The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
