She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Randomize
