I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
