i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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