I think I won the penis lottery.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Randomize
