I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
