You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
