my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
