dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
