in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
