you have to choose: penises or morals?
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
