By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
