What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
