No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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