Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
