I think scott just propositioned me for sex
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Randomize
