i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
