Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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