Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
