I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
