Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
