For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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