I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
