Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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