I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
