I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
