I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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