How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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