DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
