God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
