1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
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