I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
