We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
