This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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