the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
