Will you blow on my dice?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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