the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
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