I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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