I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
