I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
