If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
