Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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