My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
