Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
