Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
As shirtless as possible
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
