It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
