did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
