i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
