The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
