you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
