The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
