the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
