Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
you told grandpa to call you daddy
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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