i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
