I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I forgot how hot balto sounded
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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