I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Lo siento on account of my penis...
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
