Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
