I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
