why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
