Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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